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p3charmer
02 September 2008 @ 08:55 pm
So today was the first day of university. I was so nervous before about so many things. I don't think i slept so well. Then i actually had to wake up IN THE MORNING! That's so I could take the bus and get there for my 9:55 class.  Only have to do it once a week, so it's cool. My first class was photography. Outside the class I saw someone I knew from orientation. We sat together and occasionally talked. Boy was it boring. I can't pay attention for that long. It was all about the kinds of photography or something. Then we looked at different styles of pics on the net.

So long 2 hour break. Figures the girl in my first class was in my second. WOOO!  So we sat together for some lunch, and we talked. I also added her on msn. She's very nice. Her name's Candice and she's my new friend:) After the first hour I went to pick up my OSAP. It took soooo long, i hate waiting. I didn't know it would take that long. Finally I got my forms though. So I can pay my tuition...though sadly need to find the money to pay it back some day. Tommorow I'm going to career services to hopefully find a job.

Finished getting OSAP in time to go to my next class. Stupid moment of the day: walked into them room 10 minutes early, turns out it was the class before...didn't figure it out so sat down:P anyways...sat with Candice and another nice girl named Jemma. See, I'm great at making friends! This guy was slightly more interesting, though it'll be hard to call him by his first name since it's Bernie:P He talked about credibility and stuff...mostly went through the course outline telling us about the midterm and such. It is an interesting subject even though it's about how to research the web. Cool thing is lots of the course is online. I love my interwebz:P Best thing i found out...instead of being 2:10-5:10, the course was only until 4:10! Hour early! It's cause we have to spend an hour a week so we can do this posting on the website...but whatever!

I really like my school. It's hard to get lost, and easy to make new friends. My classes are really small too. Photog was 30 people, and the prof actually took attendance. Internet Survey and Research (second class) had 45, and apparently that's average. Great for a uni. And even though I need to learn to like coffee cause I can't stay awake and pay attention for 3 hours, I find all my classes so far fascinating! The outlook is good. At least I met people, and I tried to pay attention unlike some who were on msn and facebook (What's up with that? Why pay to go to a class and do that?)

Tommorow, the apparent hardest class mass communications at 3:25~! Going a bit early to check out the career centre. My only worry left about university is how to pay for it. That's a big one...but everything else is okay. I do really really miss all my old friends. Why did every single one of them have to go away? I also wish I could move out like them but I can't afford it. Guess I'll make the best of what i got.
 
 
Current Mood: hopeful
 
 
p3charmer
28 July 2008 @ 10:31 pm
I got a job. At least...I think I did. It was all very confusing. Was called to go there because the manager wanted to "talk" to me since I gave in my resume. Then he just asked if I was looking for full time/part time, if I minded weekends, how old I was, and if I was going back to school. Then he's like come on Wednesday at 10 for a trial for an hour or 2. No idea what that's supposed to mine. I guess if I don't screw up, which i do often, then I have the job. 

Oh, it's at Me Va Me Express. At least no waiting tables. I just have to put whatever people want on their falafels or other sandwich type things, prepare advanced orders, put stuff in bags/boxes, hand people their food and go get stuff. Doesn't seem too hard. Though I don't know what all the stuff there are called. My mom gets food from there all the time but I really don't like most of it. I guess I'll have to learn to like it. I really hope this goes well. One thing needs to go right for me this summer since nothing does. 

More Later, 

Lau
 
 
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Honey Honey - Mamma Mia
 
 
p3charmer
17 July 2008 @ 06:11 pm
So didn't get the job at Siblings. Not like I desperately wanted it or anything. I just thought this time would be different. But nope...won't be different. Well I give up. I quit. I've had enough. I've been trying for so long...even tried employment agencies and resume writing workshops and stuff. I'm tired. Of everything. I don't want to try anymore. So I won't. I'm so bored all the time now. Bored, and lonely. Why would I ever expect to get a job? Why would I ever expect to get anything I want or need? I'm pathetic, plain and simple. I lasted longer at being okay than I did last summer, but I'm done now. 

Sorry for all the whinning. It's what I do. I knew my being okay would never last. It's never going to last. Maybe I lied to myself. I need to DO something. But I just can't make myself. I hate my life. I do.
Tags: , , ,
 
 
Current Mood: gloomy
Current Music: Leann Rhimes - We Can
 
 
p3charmer
11 July 2008 @ 11:57 pm

Do you know how many places I applied to? 42! 42 fricking places, and I still don't have a job! I haven't even had many interviews. Now I just walk along some random street applying to all the stores I see along the way. A surprising number of stores are hiring. Anywhere I go I see help wanted signs...you just need to be looking for them. You can be guaranteed to find at least 2 at every major intersection. So why don't I have a job? I do have an interview next Tuesday..at Siblings. That actually seems like a good place to work. I really hope it goes well this time...then I can work there. A friend had an interview there today, and she'll tell me how it goes. I want it to go well for both of us. 

This week has been....alright I guess. I find ways to occupy myself sometimes. Well tuesday i went hiking with people, then wednesday i went shopping with different people. Also got to work at the doctor's office for a little on tuesday/thursday. I mean, it wasn't the greatest, but it was pretty good. This summer so far isn't as sucktacular as I would've thought. At least not as much as last summer...That's why I'm starting to think everything will be ok. But I'm absolutely terrified that it's going to be bad again. I keep thinking this can't last. Then there are moments...when i haven't done much and I'm alone...and I think...whoa, life sucks. That scares me and makes me decide I have issues where i'm no good at just being happy. I'm no good at being alone, it makes me think...and I never think pleasant things.

I'm kinda not sure how this weekend will go, or the rest of the summer. I guess it's always been like that with the not knowing, and I only think the worst. My cousins are here from Montreal, along with my uncle. I don't dislike them or anything, but I rarely see them, so theyre basically strangers. It's just awkward spending time with them, and I'd prefer to do other things. They're 20, 23 and 28, and I just dunno how to interact with them. I guess it's my issues again. Sunday there's an oreintation thingy at Guelph-Humber. It's like a whole bunch of seminars on what you do now, and fun games and stuff. It's supposed to be to meet other students and make new friends or whatever. I'm kind of excited, but also worried that i won't make new friends this time (or ever). I suck at making new friends. Stupid issues. At least it's away from my family, though i'd prefer with my exsisting friends...

So that's everything in a nutshell. 42 places! I couldn't believe it when i was making a list of them today. And there's still a couple more places I haven't been and directions I haven't watched. Hopefully this time next week both my friend and I will have a job (the same one). I really need a job for my sanity, because this summer has been decent i suppose, but the rest of it could still suck and I don't know how to stop it. Especially in the nights I think about how much everything keeps sucking, and how I suck...and how I don't know how to be happy. I do know it helps if I keep myself occupied. I'll try to do that. I'll keep trying. I desperately want to give up at everything, but then nothing could ever get better so I have to keep doing something. Besides, the only possibility for giving up at life I'm not going to think about at all. 

I'll be alright some day. I'm going to believe that. 

Lau

 
 
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Colbie Caillat - Realize
 
 
p3charmer
02 July 2008 @ 11:22 am
The first week of summer was....good. I think having myself 100% occupied, and constantly doing stuff is a nice distraction. Went swimming, went shopping, watched movies...lots of fun stuff. The thing is, I don't know if it'll last. I don't know how it'll last. When i'm not totally occupied I go a little crazy. Okay, replace a little with a lot. So I still need to find stuff for myself to do. That's harder than it seems. Especially when my mom tells me to get a life. That's what I'm trying to get, okay. 

I still don't have a job. I need one. Both for money, and my sanity. Money and my sanity is very important. I really tried. I've given my resume to about 25 places. None of them even call me any more. I don't know why at least one of them can't call me. How do people get jobs anyways?  I guess I could try places that aren't in the immediate area. The 25 places I've tried are all lin the general area. But I'm kind of tired of all this trying. It's not working. Why can't someone just give me a fair chance? I've never had one of those, which is why none of my jobs have ever gone well. If I had one of those, I could do great. The last 7 places I applied were on Friday. I went with a friend, and it was much easier that way. Those places could still realistically call me...I guess. 

Here's a picture with an affirmation that is very important. I will keep repeating it. Then maybe it will go into my head. That'd be nice.



More later on how the summer of "?" is going

Love, 

Lau
 
 
Current Location: where do you think?
Current Mood: cynical
Current Music: I do - Lisa Loeb
 
 
p3charmer
10 May 2008 @ 11:23 am

I got into Western!!!!!! The awsomest program ever, almost as cool as Ryerson. And only 70 people get admitted, and I'm one of said people!!!! If I didn't get into Ryerson (which I still don't know) I'd love to go there. It's so pretty, and I'd get away from my parents, and it's a pretty great program. 

Of course, that creates a dilema. I'm no longer poor like I used to be, but I can't afford to go away to university. That's just a ridiculous amount of money that I don't have. Yes, I'll get scholarships, and OSAP, and I'll work (I'd better get a job ASAP, though I don't know where to find one), and bursaries too. But that's just not enough. So if I didn't get into Ryerson, that's the only other place I'd be happy, but I have no idea how to pay for it. 

When I told my parents...they were proud of me...sure. But they weren't even willing to consider that maybe I should go there. They're just like, no, out of the question. And then when I told them I want to go there if I can't go to Ryerson, they got mad at me for some reason. I know, I know, they can't pay for it, and they want me to be realistic. And I'd have to get OSAP, scholarships and bursaries to go anywhere and live at home. It was a pretty bad argument. 

It made me really want to just leave. But the amount that it costs just terrifies me. I still hate living here, but until I can somehow find a job, it seems like it's not an option. They say they don't prevent anyone from going there due to financial difficulties, but what exactly do they do about that? My mom says i'm a grown up, so I should just pay for it myself. Being a grown up sucks. I really need a job. 

There's me, not being able to be happy about ANYTHING. Not just this, anything. I have 2 projects and a test I need to do for Tuesday, but I just don't feel like it. I'm too sad. Life sucks. Tommorow is mother's day, and my mom said what she wants most is for me to go away from her. Nice, right? I would, but I suck so much that I have nowhere to go. 

I have at least 18 days to figure out my dilema. 

Until next time, 

Lau

 
 
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: Liz Phair - Why Can't I?
 
 
p3charmer
15 November 2007 @ 06:48 pm

School is insane lately. 4 ISPs due the same week. Guess must keep working to keep my 87% average. Yup, that's right. I'm a genius. And I can only get genius-er. Still don't have a new job. Only interview i've had was that one Saturday, and i'm not sure about that...I don't belong in a store like Mexx. I'm getting a little worried now. My parents keep being mean to me about it, but they're kind of right. I'm poor. I need money. Especially if I want to go to university somewhere that isn't here. I don't know whether or not it's sad that what worries me most about university is how darn much it costs. I guess it's kinda a good thing, but i hate being poor. Other then that...I've been feeling sad lately...I dunno what it is.I'm also confused.  I guess, everything just seems to be not working out, and i dunno what to do about it. Enough with me being a downer for now. I need to think happy thoughts. 

*happy thinking*

 
 
Current Mood: confused
 
 
p3charmer
17 September 2007 @ 10:08 pm

School is in the third week now, and boy is it a lot of work. Maybe it's cause i just missed two days because of rosh hashannah(which was long and tiring and spent in montreal btw)....i dunno. But so far, i can do it. And none of my classes are exactly hard. I can do it, and do well, but when i start the job, who knows? as long as i don't have to do the ridiculous hours. I know now more than ever that i can do it. I'm no longer as freaked out about being in a grade 11 homeform. I'm almost okay with it. Lianne makes it so much better. Plays i am having a lot of fun with. I like reading plays. English and spanish i'm always great at, so it's fun. I'm still extremly angry at Walmart. They are so rude. Yelled at me on Thursday for being in montreal because of a religious holiday (which my manager didn't seem to believe) She's a...well...i dont like to swear. It rhymes with witch. Apparently we need to have a discussion. W/e, she's crazy. I need to do something fun to make up for all the school work, and the work work that i know will be terrible. Well, that is all. At least i get money for stupid job, and i can quit if it gets too hard. And school work isn't that bad, just much. 

Until next time, whenever that may be, 

Lau

 
 
Current Mood: working
Current Music: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
 
 
p3charmer
29 August 2007 @ 03:28 pm
I GOT A JOB! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, enough with the freaking out. Obviously i'm very happy. Also in a little shock. I make 9.10$ an hour, and oreintation is Sept. 8th at 9 am. Can you tell that i'm excited? I am really really excited. Very happy. Happier than i've been in a long time. I am as of...technically September 1st, and employee of Walmart. I saw my nametag. It's very cool. Now i will have money, and all will be good. This is just amazing. Not used to being so happy. Is it weird that i'm excited about learning how to use a cash register??? Maybe, but who cares. 

Well...all i have to say for now. Just too much in shock. Until next time, when school will pbbly start. 1 more week until grade 12~! *gasps*

Your blue vest wearing, nametag having, money making, employed Cashier
 
 
Current Location: Happy land
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: You can't stop the beat - Hairspray
 
 
p3charmer
26 August 2007 @ 01:37 pm
So had my last interview. I thought it went well. I answered the questions pretty honestly, but in a way that sounded good. Then the interviewere said that they would be in contact with the people they select. What does that even mean? Will they call me? I want them to call me! I don't want to have to go through all that stress and not end up with a job. I need a job, because i need the money. If that was the only thing i worried about, that'd be okay. Walmart had better call me or else...i'll cry. 

I'm also worried about starting grade twelve in several days. How many days? ...10 until i get my timetable...11 until actual learning. There's a lot of things to be worried about when it comes to school. Mostly though it's applying for and getting into universities, and doing well. I also am not quite sure what extra curriculars i want to do. The only thing i really desperately want to do, i'm not sure how it will happen. I want to perform in some sort of drama thing. Unfourtunately, i didn't make it into the musical...and singing is not really my forté. I can however act. I can do that very well. It's just the feeling i get when i'm up on stage acting is so amazing, it's undescribable. I also want to be a part of the newspaper, but for that there'd have to be one. For there to be one, there'd have to be an editor. I'd be editor, really, i just have no idea what an editor does. 

Another thing that worries me is driving. Now, i've been driving for a long time, and i still haven't quite gotten the hang of it. Taking the G2 test soon enough, but i'm so scared. I think the reason is that i get so nervous when i drive. Other drivers honk at me when i follow the law. And whoever is driving beside me always freaks me out by what they say. I also lack confidence, especially when it comes to left turns. I don't know how i'll pass the test. My main problem seems to be a lack of confidence, which seems to be the case with everything. 

I seriously worry too much. I can't help it. I'm also a pessimist. I also have self confidence issues. I'm way too hard on myself sometimes. I just want everything to work out okay, and i keep worrying that it won't. I really need to believe in myself, or be optomistic or something. I don't know how to do that. I'll settle in the short term for trying not to worry so much. 

In conclusion, i have to say i seriously love having a livejournal. It's easier for me to keep up with than a diary. To some extent, it keeps me sane...well relatively...sort of. This week will see grandparents, aunt, uncle and cousins from montreal who i rarely see, plus my parents have off work. Hopefully i don't go crazy with the concentrated family time. who knows.
 
 
Current Mood: worried
Current Music: Without Love - Hairspray OBC
 
 
p3charmer
19 August 2007 @ 07:29 pm
Blah  

yesterday was the longest day ever. Six hours of watching boring soccer in the hot weather. I didn't entirely watch. I got two free lunches. Then i saw three of my friends and we talked about stuff. Only bad thing is i wasn't wearing sunscreen. Got a horrible sunburn, which really burns. Put aloe on it, but that only works for a lil while. Must put some more. 

Also made cupcakes today. That's right, I made them all by myself. Well...I had a little help. Also watched hairspray. But was feeling kinda blah since the morning, then kinda nauseous, then there was throwing up involved. Still feel a little icky. All tired too. And my head hurts. You can see i enjoy complaining. At least i don't have a fever...well...not really...it says 99.6 farenheit...that's only one degree more than normal (i think)

It's not like i have anything to do this week, which will feel extra long.  ew. All i have to do is go for all important interview on thursday. I heard that's where you get offered a job. I will get a job, and make money, which i will soon need. I don't care how horrible it is to work there, i need the money. I'm sure it won't be too bad. I know how to do nothing, but i'll learn. I'll update about that thursday. 

Only 16 more days until school. I'm very nervous to the point of almost being scared, but also excited. I'm ready for this horrible summer to be over. I like school, and want to go back. Still...scawy.

 
 
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: Good Morning Baltimore-Hairspray OBC
 
 
p3charmer
11 August 2007 @ 01:00 pm
I am getting a job at the new Walmart they're building. I am! See, I'm determined. I really want to work there. It pays really well, very flexible hours, very close. Plus, it seems like it would be fun. I went to give my application Wednesday at the hiring center. Had a "pre-interview" right away. They asked me about my experience,  why i want to work there, ect. It went pretty well i think. They were happy i had no cash experience, because they want to train me the walmart way. They were already talking to me like i had the job...about salary and hours and stuffs. 

Anyways, i have a "first interview" on tuesday at 1:20. A little nervous, but still pretty confident. I'm more nervous about getting there, because the bus doesn't come very often, and i still have to walk a lil afterwards.  Also first interview sounds like there will be more. Why? Why? I'm good at making stuff up, i suppose. So I think i'll do well. Who knows...before i know it, I could be a walmart cashier!!!! I dunno why i'm so excited for that prospect. It seems like a good job. I'll make...8$/hour...which is very good i think. Better than minimum wage, i think. Definately better than camp jobs, which are much much less than minimum wage, and i would have hated anyways. 

Maybe next time I update, I'll have a job. I think it's probable, maybe highly likely. I'll probably update after the first interview, to say how it went, and see if i've gotten another.  After doing nothing all summer, this seems to be the most promising thing. Although this summer sucked, and i'm hoping for not another like it with nothing to do...I got to see more friends than I usually do. That's a plus. Also i'm now happy i didn't get a job at a camp after all. I know after the babysitting i would have been absolutely miserable and hated it. Not close to enough money for me to do something i hate. This summer has been a learning experience, and i at least made 300$

Until next time (maybe next time will be with job)
 
 
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Dance 10, Looks 3 - A Chorus Line
 
 
p3charmer
03 August 2007 @ 09:32 pm
Well, I haven't gotten a job, or made any money, which is still so ultimate goal. Not that I want a job, but I really really need one. At least, my parents say I do. They've started talking about how much university costs, and how they wish they could pay for it for me, but they cant. I believe them when they say they can't. I know how much money they have and owe. They show me when they want me to feel guilty. We're not as poor as we used to be, but still. Well, i didn't mean to post about that, i'm trying not to dwell on it right now. 

I have applied for two more jobs this week. They seem kind of promising. Those aren't the reasons this week has been better than last week. Mostly cause i haven't been all alone. The lonliness was always the hardest for me. On monday, Siran came over. We mostly played DDR, and tried to watch stuff. It was only sad that i had to be so cruel to the doggy. Oh well, we had fun. On tuesday, my cousins were supposed to come, but unfourtunately, they didn't. Oh well. My parents came home early all week cause of the heat. Definately not fun. 

On Wednesday, I went to Carmen's. I didn't get lost! Wooo! We basically did nothing but talk about stuff, watch Charmed, and play with the dust. Oh well. It was fun. Carmen made me mac and cheese...although i can make that now! Bad thing happened Wednesday (my shoes got eaten by the dog.). My mom was really mad, but then Carmen offered to buy me new ones. It made me feel real bad (mostly cause that made her mom yell...scary). The new shoes are nice. And Carmen's nice. So i'll try not to feel too bad. 

Bad thing about today is my parents were there all day. So glad i'm not an only child. So much attention. In my case, attention means getting yelled at, so not cool. At least they won't be home after. This weekend, we're going to camp in the middle of nowhere, in order to see Emily. I don't really miss her much...is that bad? I miss how she offers a distraction for my parents from yelling at me. I really don't wanna sleep in a tent. Or go to the middle of nowhere (where hillbillies live according to my mom). 

Well...shall be away for awhile. Hopefully we'll come home early (I wish). If not, shall be back monday night. I guess this week was okay, but still all conflicted. And confused. Oh well. At least don't have to be all alone anymore.
 
 
Current Mood: confused
Current Music: I Can Hear the Bells - Hairspray
 
 
p3charmer
10 July 2007 @ 05:01 pm
After two failed attempts at getting a job in the same day, I can't help it that once again I'm a pessimist. Life sucks. It's like a vicious cycle...need experience to get a job, and need a job to get experience. I'm beggining to think that i'll never be able to do it.

At least i didn't have to travel far. Dad drove me to Lawrence station. Random people complimented my hair...I still hate it. I wished to never leave the house again, so maybe i'll get my wish. It's just so short. And ugly. And sad.

Trying and failing is hard. To add to my failure, i hate my hair. Hopefully it grows out quick. And hopefully i'll have a job one day.
 
 
Current Mood: frustrated
 
 
p3charmer
01 July 2007 @ 09:38 pm
Went to that employment place on Friday. Actually a place for immigrants. Nice people there, but I don't think they can help me. They said they'd try. First i need to find my student card, or something. Said best bet is going to the job faiar July 9th. I'll go, but I don't think anything will happen.

It was very difficult getting there. I had to take Emily. At least I took the right busses, and I didn't get lost. There was a crazy guy on the bus who kinda scared me. He kept saying I want to kill you, but I can't. Very scary. At least he wasn't talking to me (I hope) pretty sure he was talking to the air.

Afterwards my dad took me to his work. Pretty boring. I finished the third of my books from Chapters. I want to read the rest of them. My dad's work really creeps me out. All those mannequins staring at you...with their eyes! Their eyes! It really scares me, expecially the back.

That's about it. Still have nothing to do for the summer. Life still sucks. Still depressed. So basically nothing's changed. Things just seem to be getting worsee and worse. I need a hug. :( I did get accepted to summer school...but originally my parents said no, so i didn't get a signature from the school. So now...don't have that. Just one of the many things that suck.

I'm honestly going to have the worst summer ever if things don't stop sucking. It's not like i'm not trying, because really i am. I'm already having a bad summer, and it's been a week. :'(

Book's going well. It's at 8936 words. I kind of like it.
 
 
Current Mood: pessimistic
Current Music: Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
 
 
p3charmer
15 June 2007 @ 09:37 am
Well...of course you know that life sucks...but here's why...

life sucks because... )
 
 
Current Mood: depressed
 
 
p3charmer
26 May 2007 @ 12:58 pm
This shall be the weekend where i do isps. I am determined. Since all three of them are due two weeks from monday (exact same time) and I haven't done much. Should be doing them now, but procrastinating. At least i have a trip next thursday, adn one the thursday after that.

If i finish them...I can't imagine ever doing so, there are still exams to worry about. Ew. My philosophy isp will be horrible. It's in a group, it's leading a discussion, and it's ridiculous. If i get 70% at the end of the course, I'll consider myself lucky.

Even more stuff to worry about other than school. There's the driving test, which I cancelled, but I have to do sometime. It's so scary, and I still suck. And i'm beggining to worry about getting a job. I had an interview,and i think it went okay, but i don't know. I cannot do nothing this summer. CANNOT.

Pretty depressed right now. Life does suck after all. And then you die Trying to think positive to make me happy, but it won't work. There's info meeting for the musical wednesday. I'm determined to be in it...even if i'm the plant! That'll be great.

Still can't be happy, cause everything still kinda sucks at the moment. And...for 4 hours...at least...it's just me and my parents at home. So, there's only me to yell at, and pick on. Great. They've started. Must go.

Until the next entry about how much life sucks

Lau
 
 
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Skid Row - Little Shop of Horrors
 
 
p3charmer
22 May 2007 @ 04:36 pm
Was I like this at the end of last semester? I don't think so. But now...totally freaking out. I have so much to do, and i have no idea how i'm going to do it. Here is all the stuff i have to do....

stuff to do )

I think that's enough for my nervous breakdown. But seriously...I want to cry. I know everyone feels the same as i did. In one of my classes, someone even actually cried. I felt like joining them...maybe i will.

Should do work now...well...going to meet my doom.
 
 
Current Mood: stressed
Current Music: Where is the Love? - Black Eyed Peas
 
 
 
 

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